December

Today, I write this post for me! Because I need to get this; all of these thoughts out of my head. I feel flooded; with emotion, with decisions, with circumstances that I really have no control over, with memories, with research...

December for the past 5 years has been a very difficult month for me. Cory and I lost our first child, Colten David Cooley, on December 24, 2002. He was born prematurely, just a couple days shy of 24 weeks gestation. He was 7 oz, 8 inches. He survived for 45 minutes, all of which he was cradled in mine or Cory's arms. He was amazing, he was perfect, he was a true blessing and miracle from God. We don't understand everything about what happened or why it happened but we know that he is safe with the Lord, learning how to praise God with the Angels. The thoughts and memories of that day and that time in our life are hard, but at the same time so many wonderful things happened to us during that time that we have to praise God for having His Hand in EVERYTHING!

Since that time Cory and I have:
had Cadence in 2004,
followed by 2 miscarriages 05 and 06,
a surgery in 06 to remove endometriosis and a tumor
then healthy pregnancy and delivery of Cozette in 07,
and are expecting again in Aug 08...

Last week I found out that my body is not producing enough Progesterone (a hormone needed to sustain the pregnancy). The doctor has put me on a prescription for Progesterone and that should help sustain the pregnancy. I am very excited that we even have this option to work with and that we will possibly save the pregnancy and not miscarry!

BUT...
I guess I thought we were in the clear after the surgery and having such a great pregnancy with Cozette and now to hear that we might run into complications...I am pretty baffled! I am having so many worries and "memories" flood me that I feel pretty overwhelmed...

Also, today I just found out that because I am taking the Progesterone I will have to stop nursing! I know that I did good to make it to 9 months, but my goal was a year so I feel a little defeated! To some nursing isn't that big of a deal, but I really do enjoy it and I think there are so many benefits of nursing, However, I do not want put Cozette at risk by nursing her while I am on this medication! Then there is a part of me that thinks that I might end up miscarrying anyway, so maybe I shouldn't take the medicine so that I can keep nursing. I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT! and I feel very badly for thinking and feeling that way, but I do unfortunately....

Here comes my real selfishness: I want to get pregnant and have babies and have a family. Simple. Not complicated. No Problems. No disappointments. No regrets! But I feel like we get complications, problems, disappointments and regrets over and over and over again.

I feel like the lady in Steel Magnolias when she is in the graveyard after burying her daughter...put together with a plan and determined one second and falling apart and desperate the next second!

I feel all of the above and then I feel calmness and a sureness that God is in control. That He has a plan! and I don't know it, I might never know it, and I guess I don't need to, but right now... I WANT TO KNOW! I want to know why my babies don't survive! Why does my body fail me? Why? Why? Why?

God, You are my refuge and strength! I know your burden is light, take this from me! Let your will be my will! Help me to not be selfish, help me to be strong, to be an example for others, to be your servant, ready to do your will!